Worthless! NOT!

  I have been through several traumas with the "church" and from the last one, I am still finding shrapnel.  I am often surprised how deep the wound is and then I am surprised I am surprised!
  My last wounding: I was called to a meeting with some pastors and I was told that they were speaking on behalf of the churches of Pearland.  I was told that they would be taking over everything I was doing in Pearland:  Baccalaureate, See you at the Pole, the Pearland Youth Ministry Alliance, On campus Christian Clubs Support.  (Most of what I worked on has been abandoned.  Also, to be fair, I have been told by many pastors:  Those guys didn't speak for me.)  
  Fast forward.  I have a teacher/Club sponsor texting me.  I am begging her to let me drive an hour to meet with her.  I am dying to help her with her club!  It will be so exciting to brainstorm with her!  I love helping Club Sponsors! 
  She is hesitant.  I want to beg, but I don't.  And then I realize I have a wound.  This past year has left me feeling worthless.  Like I have nothing to contribute to ministry and I want to contribute, but I'm not welcome.  This year has been hard, but I realize it goes deeper.  I realize, when I was told, on behalf of the churches of Pearland to give my work BACK to the church, I was sent a dark message:  You aren't part of the church and we don't want your work.
  So begins my next chapter of affirming self talk:  Dottie, you are a vital part of the Church.  God gave you the gifts you have and He is never finished with you!     

Why me, Lord? Or Cookie Bakers of the World Unite!

  I often ask this ridiculous question.  Today, I'm asking it again.  Let me explain.
  Dean and I are considering joining a church.  As always, my husband, Dean, fits in beautifully.  As always has been, I, of course, do not fit.   Somehow, as a woman, I was suppose to get spiritual gifts in the cooking and entertaining venue.  Secretarial gifts would have been acceptable.  If I were picking spiritual gifts, I would have pick these appropriate womanly gifts.
  I get pastoral, administrative, shepherding, leadership gifts.  The gifts no church ever wants in a woman, unless she wants to do women's or children's ministry.  And of course, I have no interest in those areas.  I feel like I don't quite fit.
  Remember the joke:  The gift no one wants:  Celibacy?  I've found another gift no woman wants.  
  So, I have spent years trying to bake cookies.  I hate baking cookies.  I want:

• to direct the cookie bakers to work together.  
  
• to help the cookie bakers find better ingredients and cookie baking methods.  
• to help the cookie bakers find a ministry that gives them an opportunity to help reach students for Christ.  
• to encourage the cookie bakers to explore their gifts to the fullest and rejoice in the Giver of the gifts  
•  
• to start a cookie bakers support group and fellowship. 
• to eat cookies and encourage the gift of cookie baking! 
• to help compile recipes and resource the cookie bakers.

  I have spent years pretending I love to bake cookies.  I have spent years pretending I don't have leadership or pastoral gifts.  I grew up in a church that believed women never got the gift of pastor/teacher, so I thought I must not have those gifts.  
  A couple things recently made the light come on.  It's funny how God opens our eyes, isn't it?  When I was searching for a job last August, the jobs I kept getting directed to were Executive Director type jobs.  Huh?  What was with that?   
  Then, the next thing, was the latest spiritual gift test I took.  Administration - the gift of connecting people was  at the top, but leadership, pastor, shepherding: all close behind.  At this point, I wasn't surprised. 
  Then, the realizing that Spiritual gifts are to help the Church.  The Body accomplish God's work on earth.  
  Then, I started asking myself the hard questions:  Why was I denying my gifts?  Why had I spent years trying to bake cookies?  Why, when I tried to use my gifts, I got my hands slapped?   
  The sad thing is that I responded to what the church applauded.  I watch as little boys were applauded when they quoted a verse and were told they were going to be a preacher some day.  
  When I quoted Psalm 119, I was told nice job - how are those cookies coming?  I got more accolades for serving burnt cookies . . . 
  At this point in my life, I know whose applause I treasure.  I know whose applause I seek.  I know my creator and He is good.  Somehow, in all the confusion, I floundered thru and I managed to use the gifts God gave me for the good of the Church.  But, unfortunately for the Church, my gifts are seriously underdeveloped because my gifts have been unappreciated and denied for so long.
  But my next issues is this:  What about the next girl who gets the gifts of leadership and pastor?  Will she be told to bake cookies?            

Cousin Connections!

This is one of those Great Stories - a God thing!  
  One of the guys from our church, Dave Ainsworth, went with his family to start a church in San Francisco - where there are more bars than churches.  
I have a 2nd cousin that lives in San Francisco.  He is a musician, a composer, an arranger.  He posts youtube videos of himself playing with Dizzy Gillespie.  His name is Rick Walsh and officially, I have never met him - except on Facebook and thru my extended family email circuit.
  I've spoken to Dave all of probably three times, during one time, I acknowledged I had a cousin in SF.  I volunteered to introduce him to Dave thru Facebook.  At this point, I am not even friends with Dave on Facebook . . . 
  Something came up and I asked Rick to show Dave around.  It was a bit out there for me, but Rick was immediately responsive.  I friended Dave on FB and let the connections begin.  
  Rick let me know he hadn't met with Dave yet, but he would and he hadn't forgotten.  Several times.  I was very impressed with his follow thru.
  Today, I got an email from Rick - I didn't even know he had my email . . .

Hi Dottie

We had a nice lunch (I treated) at an oceanside restaurant, then I took him over to my house to show him around. 

A very nice young man with a beautiful family. He is about to attempt the impossible; finding housing in the city of San Francisco. 

Rentals are dear here. 

Anyway, I thought you should know.

I will assist any way I am able, but the facts are daunting. 

yours

Rick Walsh

 

A very nice email and an impressive follow thru!  I thanked him and agreed that Dave was nice and that it was a daunting task.

 

Rick responded with Dave had asked how we were related and we worked on unscrambling that.  He sent me a link to a nice video that sorts this out.  Rick and I are 2nd cousins.  We share great great grandparents - I think.

 

Then I got the most amazing email:

If you love Jesus, then I love you. 

End of story. :)

RW

 

Oh, so we are brother and sister, as well as cousins! I had no idea!

 

 

On Campus Christian Club Support

One of my favorite things to do in ministry is “On Campus Club support”.  However, I find that people don’t know what that is or why it is needed. 

On Campus Christian Clubs are official school clubs that are initiated by student interest and leadership.  In other words, the Spanish teacher can decide that he would like to do a Spanish club.  He calls a meeting, students show up.  The Spanish teacher may even decide what activities will be done.  He can invite his students and even give them extra credit for coming to the Spanish club.  The Spanish teacher can be very comfortable in his role as a Spanish teacher and the Spanish Club sponsor.  The roles are quite compatible.

The on campus Christian Club functions with a different set of rules.  No teacher can decide that she would like to sponsor a Christian Club and announce that she will have meeting in her room.  She cannot decide the topics or activities or give anyone extra credit for attending.  The only thing she might be able to do is announce that she would be interested in sponsoring a Christian Club and see if any students follow up and ask her to be their sponsor.  Maybe at the beginning of the year in her all about your teacher talk. 

It is almost like there is one set of rules for all the other clubs on campus and whole another set of rules for the Christian Club.  When there is a meeting of faculty for all club sponsors, the Christian Club sponsor – first of all, is likely to not be included and if she is, she is the exception to every rule.

To start on campus Christian Club, a student has to go to the teacher sponsor and ask if they would sponsor their Christian Club.  It takes a whole another level of leadership to start a Christian Club.  Sometimes, students think and wonder about starting a club for a while before they do anything.  Can you imagine the student side?  You have 5 to 7 teachers.  There might be 100 teachers in your school – Teachers would be hesitant to announce matters of faith – who would you ask?  How would you figure it out?

If you go to your principal, if she is supportive, she might refer the student to a teacher she knows attends church.  If the principal is unsupportive, she might tell the student:  Separation of Church and State – you can’t do that here.

Principals are sometimes unsupportive for a variety of reasons.  The primary one seems to be the potential hot bed of political correctness and possible parent complains.  It is just easier for a principal to not have a Christian Club on her campus.  Or any other controversial club for that matter:  A Satanic club, a Future Pole Dancers Club, a Pro Life Club.  All of those are legally possible in our public school system and frankly, the Christian Club will get lumped in with this list.

On the other hand, a wise principal knows that a Christian Club will be an asset to her school.  That this club will encourage students to do right, follow the rules, stand up for what’s right, be good citizens.  It will encourage the kind of students she wants more of.  But, a Christian Club is still risky.  Those kids could want to pray before the football game,  share Jesus with their peers, put risky words on their club flyers:  pray, bible, Christian!, pray at the flag pole!

However, an astute principal also knows who will organize the school food drive or the clothing drive for the hurricane victims in Haiti.  She knows who will lead in the good.

Let’s go back to our Christian Club sponsor.  The Christian Club sponsor has to be asked by the students.  A school is a system where teachers do the asking and the leading.  To sponsor a Christian Club, the teacher has to be asked by the students to be a team member:  the sponsor – a necessary team member.  The teacher who is use to leading now has to let students lead.  She also answers to the principal for the conduct of the club, so she will have to maintain the status and involvement to cancel the fundraising plan that involves mud wrestling or other student ideas that are silly, unsavory or just downright dangerous or ridiculous.  This role as a team member is in contrast to anything a teacher probably does on her campus.  The students have a lot more freedom and are expected to show a lot more leadership than probably any other place on their campus. 

So, this on Campus Christian Club system is in direct contrast to the normal operating methods for both teachers and students.

Can you see why both student leaders and club sponsors would need some help with their roles?  My solution:  On Campus Christian Club Support.  Can you see why it is needed?

25 years ago

  Once upon a time, there was girls chaplain who worked with juvenile delinquent girls.  She loved those girls very much and called them her "Angels".  The male chaplains all thought she was a bit off and out of touch with reality.
  One day, this girls chaplain sat with a girl and listened to her.  This precious girl was what we would now call a victim of sex trafficking.  This girl spoke of the horrors of her life as casually as you would tell me about getting a cup of coffee from Starbucks.  
  Because 25 years ago, we didn't talk about child sex trafficking victims.  We arrested them and put them in jail.  One day, sweet angel girl told said girls chaplain about her day in court as the witness to a murder.  The chaplain listened to the terror, fear and horror.  She held the sweet angel girl while she cried.  The chaplain held those horrible things in her heart for years and wondered about the angel girl.  
  The chaplain remembered the angel girl's name and as time and the internet progressed, she would put the angel girls name in google.  Because she wondered:  how she was.  Where she was. 
  About 2 weeks ago.  
http://truthbetoldcommunity.wordpress.com/2012/07/02/daras-journey-back-inside-to-share-her-story/
  She is alive and well.  She is doing awesomely well.  

Rejoice with me:  This child who I loved is alive and well!   

My God Moment

   I'm trying to talk about My God Moment.  Crying again now.  It is hard to explain that how the God of all creation and all knowing, reaches out to you and in a seeming single moment communicates more than I can write on 5 pages. 
   And believe me, if I wrote it, you would be lost in the fog of the background and the finer points.  Your head would be swirling as you tried to keep up!  Me too!
   So here let me try.  Start swimming. . . .
   In a single moment, God showed me that our children, are being tricked by the enemy and that during the stage of life, where they are most likely to make a decision for Jesus, they are in a world that is almost untouched by the church.  Their schools.
   I am now on the 2nd row of my church, sobbing for students. 
   In a single moment, God revealed that I am His Missionary, called to schools.  That I have been following Him and I have learned methods to help communities reach their schools.
   I am now on the 2nd row of the my church, sobbing in awe of my God and in awe of my calling.
   In a single moment, God showed me that, I was going to leave HIS calling on my life because of fear and finances and God only know how many students would be unreached because of that decision.
   I am now on the 2nd row of my church sobbing for the students I so love, overwhelmed my shame and overcome by the mercy of God, who cares enough to call me back to my calling.
   In a single moment, God showed me that I was wasting my life selling meaningless junk on eBay, when He had called me to help communities reach their students.  Their lost, going to burn in hell students.
   I am now on the 2nd row of my church, crying for students and the time I had wasted. 
   In a single moment, God showed me the connections between what I had done and how I was on the track to help communities reach their students. 
   I am now on the 2nd row of my church, crying because I know what I'm suppose to do.

The moment everything changes

I’m in McDonalds and I have 10 minutes to write this. 

 

Sunday, I had one of those life altering experiences:  this moment of clarity that changes how you see things.  At least, at this point, it feels that way.  One of those twists in my thinking that changes everything.

 

For months, Dean and I have been struggling financially.  I had gone thru the sudden closure of the ministry I had been working for, a explorative job search and then the realization that while I could get another job, the best choice for me and my family, was for me to stay in ministry.  For me, staying in ministry means embracing fundraising.  Most ministry people do not eagerly embrace fundraising.

 

Then the next curve ball was that my new ministry did not have their official non-profit status.  So, now, I had former donors who were willing to become current donors, but not until the tax deductible status was in place. 

 

So much for embracing fundraising!  Several things happen.  The gift of a mobile home.   A truck fire.  A garage sale.  A family member is moved to organize other family members to help us.  All very helpful in helping us to make ends meet.  And much appreciated!

 

Those struggles are significant because the financial pressure in my life is becoming overwhelming.  I hate it when the bottom line issue is: What does it pay?  What does it cost?

 

As things go on, I feel more and more LOST.

 

So here is the insight that changes everything:  I am a missionary who has allowed herself to be under prayed for and under funded.  This has caused my mission to suffer and it has nearly caused me to leave the mission field. 

 

On one hand, I feel this overwhelming shame:  How could I have allowed this to happen?  On the other, I feel this overwhelming calling, clarity of vision, a sense of purpose, a renewed passion to help others reach students for Christ.

 

The other thing God gave me in that moment was this insight of how much I know about helping churches and communities impact their schools for Christ!  All the sudden the pieces became clear. 

 

And today, when people ask me how are you?  I am amazed.  I am astonished that I am not glowing.  That I don’t look completely different.  In that moment, everything changed and yet, I don’t know how to talk about it.