Afraid and Confused

I've worked with a club sponsor for a long time – about 5 years. She is a great lady and a real asset to the spiritual life of her campus. If there is anyone that a living, breathing, Christian Light on her campus, it is this lady. Not only does she sponsor the students' on campus Christian Club, she leads a weekly prayer meeting for the teachers and staff.

In all the mess and drama that my life and ministry has become, she has stood with me. I think she loved me and appreciated me. I think she realized that she got great services from me – that I was faithful and dependable. I think she saw into my heart and saw that I was good and kind and helpful. A kindred spirit, a partner, a helper, a servant. All though, part of me was afraid she just was going for the underdog: me!

At the suggestion of my supervisor, I made a list of everything I did for the club and for her as the sponsor.

This is an abbreviated list.

Make things as easy and possible for the club sponsor

Be her point person

Attend every club and leadership meeting

Be in charge of meetings if the sponsor cannot be there.

Coordinate snacks

Pick up after club

Coordinate all volunteers

Oversee, train and organize all volunteers

Put away supplies

Look for prayer request. Pull out and make copies if necessary

Research topics, ideas, supplies

Count students and keep records

Write curriculum if necessary

Contact youth pastor speakers and make initial arrangements

Remind youth pastors speakers and forward confirmation to the sponsor

Pray for club sponsor and the club

She wanted me to keep doing all I do, but she did not want to acknowledge to any one that I did this. She was afraid that the student pastor that has placed himself over clubs would pull my on campus badge because I am helping her. She was afraid that if she acknowledged what I did, we would both be seen as being hostile. She has told him that she wanted to stay with me, but he continues to call her and offer to book her speakers and continues to want a list of who she is having to speak. She feels like she has to give him the information.

At first, I was irritated. Then I realized: she was afraid. She is afraid of losing her job. She is afraid of the student pastor that has placed himself over the clubs. She is afraid of losing my help and support. She is afraid that she will not be able to replace me with a teacher co-sponsor. She is afraid if she loses her job, the club will stop. She is afraid that if she chooses me, she will lose out on being a part of something else. She is afraid that her simple right of letting the student leaders choosing and inviting her own speakers will be taken over by said student pastor. She is afraid that she will not have the help and support she has come to depend on. She is afraid of losing her snack support. She is frustrated that the TEAM she had come to count on is no longer a team and worst than that, such confusion and competition has set in – who knows who to trust?

It is a slow process, but then I realize I am afraid too. I'm not mad or irritated any more. I am afraid of said student pastor. He has already threatened me. I am afraid of losing my place of service – my ministry – the service I perform for God. I am afraid of shame and embarrassment. I am afraid of speaking up and of not speaking up. Part of me wants to run and hide and the other part wants to stand and fight. I am afraid that I will not be able to be there for the club sponsor I so dearly love and have come to treasure and respect. I am sick about my relationship with my former snack partner – I can't believe that things can break down to this point.

I am sick to have any part in what makes my sponsor friend feel afraid and confused. I've offered to leave and she doesn't want that. Without communication, there is no restoring the relationships or the broken trust with the snack person and the youth pastor. Part of me wants to run and hid and part wants to stand up and fight the wrong and injustice I see. In many ways, I think the sponsor and I would just like to be left alone, but that request has not been honored so far, so the chaos and drama continues.

It seems like serving Christ should invoke a certain amount of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. But she and I are afraid mainly of people within the church – who should be affirming what we are doing but instead are trying to compete for control of it. We should be worried about whether we have enough drinks for the club next week, but instead we are afraid that a certain youth pastor or a certain snack person will try to close us down.

What is going on in a community where the Church is attacking itself?