The moment everything changes

I’m in McDonalds and I have 10 minutes to write this. 

 

Sunday, I had one of those life altering experiences:  this moment of clarity that changes how you see things.  At least, at this point, it feels that way.  One of those twists in my thinking that changes everything.

 

For months, Dean and I have been struggling financially.  I had gone thru the sudden closure of the ministry I had been working for, a explorative job search and then the realization that while I could get another job, the best choice for me and my family, was for me to stay in ministry.  For me, staying in ministry means embracing fundraising.  Most ministry people do not eagerly embrace fundraising.

 

Then the next curve ball was that my new ministry did not have their official non-profit status.  So, now, I had former donors who were willing to become current donors, but not until the tax deductible status was in place. 

 

So much for embracing fundraising!  Several things happen.  The gift of a mobile home.   A truck fire.  A garage sale.  A family member is moved to organize other family members to help us.  All very helpful in helping us to make ends meet.  And much appreciated!

 

Those struggles are significant because the financial pressure in my life is becoming overwhelming.  I hate it when the bottom line issue is: What does it pay?  What does it cost?

 

As things go on, I feel more and more LOST.

 

So here is the insight that changes everything:  I am a missionary who has allowed herself to be under prayed for and under funded.  This has caused my mission to suffer and it has nearly caused me to leave the mission field. 

 

On one hand, I feel this overwhelming shame:  How could I have allowed this to happen?  On the other, I feel this overwhelming calling, clarity of vision, a sense of purpose, a renewed passion to help others reach students for Christ.

 

The other thing God gave me in that moment was this insight of how much I know about helping churches and communities impact their schools for Christ!  All the sudden the pieces became clear. 

 

And today, when people ask me how are you?  I am amazed.  I am astonished that I am not glowing.  That I don’t look completely different.  In that moment, everything changed and yet, I don’t know how to talk about it.