Serving Santa Fe

  I went to Santa Fe shortly after hearing about the shooting on Friday, May 18, 2018.  
  Before I go on, you need to know, I worked as a chaplain with juvenile delinquents for 20 years.  I also did an on campus ministry for about 15 years.  During those years, I became aware of how unprepared my city's church community was for any crisis.  We were not prepared to work together nor were we prepared to serve the schools in any professional capacity.  
  So, during that time, I took a course on Critical Stress incident Management and I received that certification.  It was to allow me to help a school and students recover from a critical trauma. 
  So, with that in my background, as soon as I heard about the shooting, I was ready to go.  God had prepared me for this moment.  I wish it was that straight forward.  God had to tap me on the shoulder more times than I care to admit.  All I could think is that crazy people drive to the scene.
  This is pretty important.  We struggle financially and I have thought often that I need to get another job.  On Friday, I was very thankful, that I had the freedom and the availability to just go.
I started down Hwy 6, which ended up being closed, so I had to go another way - 646.  The turning around nearly caused me to turn back: the unknown and my general timid spirit nearly did me in.  God pushed me forward.  
  When I got to Santa Fe, I really just stumbled on to the command center.  While I am driving there, my youth ministry network "GroupMe" is blowing up with messages.  Youth pastors saying: I want to help.  What can I do?  I'm responding with "I'm on my way."  My own family pastor is messaging me.  
  It is important that I note here in the book Genesis in the story of Joseph, the repeated phase is "And God was with Joseph."  Change it to "And God was with Dottie."  That is my truth and my reality.
  And God was with me.  So now, I just start going up to people and saying.  Hi, I'm Dottie.  I'm from the Bay Area and there are some churches that would like to help.  Is there anything you need?    So, I get directed to the Red Cross Van.  I ask them.  I get the answer packaged snacks and water.  I text them back the information.
And this is where, if this were a responsive reading, you would say "And God was with Dottie."
  Just the moment I walk up, the spiritual care person, Paul, with the Red Cross walks in.  I now am walking with Paul and explaining that I am a chaplain, etc.  Paul, is busy, but he welcomes me.  He takes me in and starts showing me around, introducing me to people.  This is Dottie, she's a chaplain.  
  And God was with Dottie.
  Now, I am free to walk and pray with anyone who needs it.  Someone points me to a room, which I look in, but I don't get the significance of.    There are people in it, but no one looks particularly distressed.  I would come to regret that assessment.  
  Paul had introduced me to a mom, who was waiting for news of her son.  She was warm with me, but clear.  "I just want to be with my family now."  I still sent out the text, pray for ____ and we left her with her family.
  I'm back in the hall, just listening.  Now, there are angry voices coming out the room.  The room I looked in and passed by.  It is a room of mothers and they have been waiting for 8 hours to get word regarding their children.  There is now a crowd around the door, listening.  I listen too, but I am mournful for those mothers, waiting for news on their babies.  I understand their fear and their anger.  Their frustration at the long wait.  
  At this point, I am passing freely from location to location, check with people.  Helping people with food and water and anything I can.  
I get word from a church that they are bring down 30 cases of water.  This wonderful guy, sent a picture of all the water.  So now, I go from person to person showing the picture of the water.  Where should this go?  It's funny, in crisis and chaos, the hope and encouragement that a picture of 30 cases of water brings people.  When I showed the picture on my phone - Hope.  Encouragement.  
This little interaction, eventually got me to Scott.      Scott, volunteers with a group that provides escorts to the victim's families, past the media.  Scott, I would learn, had been up since 3:30 am and had left his job early to serve in this way.  God bless Scott.  He was ready to growl at the media and physically protect those families in any way he needed to.  
  Scott suggested the water go to a Shell station down the road for the first responders.   
  At some point, I get the message that someone from my church is coming.  Tammy.  I've never met her.  Most of my time has been spent either waiting or coordinating.  I'm not really sure what I will do with Tammy.
  And God was with Dottie.  just saying.
  At some point, I left the building and I am turned away.  During my waiting, I am pretty much sitting in the Red Cross van and listening.  There was a woman there and she was brilliant and helpful.  I learn from her.  She talks about how it is very difficult to identify the bodies of minors.      Apparently, adults are finger printed at some time and our prints go in a national data base, meaning that if I am victim, I will be positively ID'd by my finger prints, if possible.  Minors are identified by what they wore that day and other such means.  The positive identification of each body is critical to law enforcement.  
  She also points out that these mothers are waiting for the worst possible news they could ever receive regarding their children.  And they are waiting, probably knowing, but hoping against hope.  Here, is where, I stop and cry.
  I learn other things, but about now, Tammy comes.  I go to meet her and walk her around.  There are ambulances waiting.  Tammy and I talk about praying over the ambulances, but Scott has suggested that we go across the street to the HEB parking lot.  There are families there, he says, "with the look."  The look? He tells me he can recognize the look of waiting and loss and they have that look.  He doesn't know why they are in the parking lot, not the building.  
  Tammy and I agree to go there and pray.  And then, I get the text that the youth pastor with the cases of water is here.  Tammy wants to go take the water with us, but his car is full.  There is barely a seat for me.  So, I go and we deliver the water, eventually to the fire station.  We also tell them that churches are praying for them and if there is a specific request, I will pass it on.  One guy looks like he is going to cry.
  Tammy, boldly, goes to the HEB parking lot alone, to pray with who ever she can find.  
  When I come back from the water run, I look in the parking lot for Tammy.  I don't see her any where.  Some other "spiritual care" people have arrived, Gary & Gloria.  Paul comes out and agrees to take them in.  I jump at the opportunity and follow as close as possible.  I kind of glue myself to Paul.  Where Paul goes, I go.  
  We go to a room, where there are several large tables.  One of school counselors & administrators & mental health people.  This is my best guess.
  There is another table of Officers.  I sit beside Paul with some other chaplains.  Paul, looks mildly annoyed, but he goes and gets Gloria & Gary to join us.  I don't know why they didn't follow Paul.  
  Paul starts instructing us.  There will be teams of 4 to 5.  1 Trooper and if available 1 FBI agent, 1 DPS counselor or FBI specialist and 1 Chaplain.  The chaplain gives the news to the families.  Paul tells us, the most important thing is to speak calmly.  He asks if we have ever given a death notice to a family.  Gloria says, oh sure, she has done a funeral.  Me, too, I think, but that's not really the same.  Paul suggests if we haven't to be a support Chaplain.  
  There are 10 deaths.  10 families and apparently 9 families here on site, waiting for the news.  I see 6 chaplains.  Maybe 7.  I come to the conclusion that if I'm here, I feel weak, but it is the job that must be done.  I'm silently praying my heart out and listening to God to the best of my ability.  And probably, trying not to cry because of the pain I feel for families and for the pain, I feel when I think about having to deliver this news to a fellow mother.  I really don't know if I can do this calmly.  I am afraid, I will just sit down and cry with them.
  I ask Paul how this news should be delivered.  He says know their name.  Know the name of the deceased.  Look them in the eye and say as simply as possible.  Mrs. Jones, your son, John is dead.  I wince at the thought of how cold those words sound.
  Paul says, Dottie, are you okay?  You don't look so good.  I said Paul, are you okay?  Can I pray for you?  I grab his hand and I start praying.  I pray for light in this darkness.  I pray for comfort and Hope.  I pray for God's presence.  The more I pray, the more peace, I feel, the more peace Paul feels and the more Gary smiles.  I pray more.  
  Paul says you're up for the job.  He now is treating me like a co-laborer and grinning from ear to ear.
  Then, a woman comes and asks Paul if the Red Cross would provide meals for the teachers on Wednesday, breakfast and lunch?  I jump on this - I'll help I say.  Then she calls Paul & I to the table with the counselors and administrators.  I'm steady texting my youth ministry Network - Lunch & Breakfast Wednesday.  They are in.
  Finally, I'm told how many people - 640!  I now feel like I have volunteered for the feeding of the 5000!  And this is where you say, And God was with Dottie.  
  My phone rings.  An unknown number.  I usually don't answer those.  But for some reason, I answer.  It is a family minister with a large church and they want to help.  I tell him about breakfast & Lunch for 640 and he quickly tells me: Don't worry about food - just be there.  We'll take care of the food.  Can you call me tomorrow?
  And God was with Dottie when she agree to feed the 5000.
  Tammy texts me:  Where are you now Dottie?  I'm in the building with this chaplaincy stuff.  I can't come out now.  Where are you?  Tammy has found a family in the parking lot and has prayed and stayed with them.  She is going to watch their small son - about 3 while they go in to be officially notified of their father's death.  Just a note, I can't figure out who this was, as there were no adult males.  
   And God was with Dottie & Tammy.
   Several things happen.  Someone comes in and reads the list of names.  My heart sinks.  This is really happening.  The Attorney General comes in discusses the charges, so we can answer questions with the families.  I listen so I can be ready.  
  And then it is time.  Gloria has left for the candle light vigil.  An official looking chaplain tries to pray, but we are told the families are ready to mob the door.  There is no time for public prayer, only the silent prayers of the heart.  
  Now, it is time to go out the door and face the families.  Team 1.  Now, I have no clue what team I'm on and I can tell Gary and Paul have no clue either.  Team 1 leaves.  Team 2 leaves.  Team 3.  Team 4.  And Team 5, Paul, Gary & I.  I hesitate, but, no one is behind me, so I am the last of the chaplains.  So, I decide to join Paul & Gary.  In the hall, the game changes.  We change from Team 5 to what family have you been assigned to?  We have nothing.  We go back in the room.    Meanwhile, I am hearing the crying from rooms all up and down the hall.  Each family has been taken to a room or office to get the news.  The shooting happened at about 7:40 and it is probably close to 6.  It has been a long day.  
  I don't know how I left Paul & Gary, just all of the sudden I knew, no family needed 3 chaplains and the doors were opening and people were coming out, crying.  I'm in the hall, praying with friends of victims, police officers, teachers, counselors, administrators.  I pray and I let God say anything He wants to thru me.  I carry chairs in a room where they thing the women is going to collapse.  I deliver water.  
  And I will never forget the crying, wailing, yelling that came from those rooms, as families and friends received the very worst news they could get, that they had been waiting for all day, hope against hope.
  And thankfully, God was with Dottie.
  I speak to several people.  Then I go outside.  Scott is there.  He has gotten word that his daughter's bus driver's daughter is one of the dead.  He is sick at the news.  If you read other accounts, you will read how this bus driver was tender and kind with hurting students while she waited to get her own most awful news.
  There was more chaos outside, but it was like God was saying:  Go home.  Your job is done here for now.  I don't quite believe Him, so I am checking - do I see anyone else to pray with?  No.
  I see Tammy in the parking lot.  She is still with her family.  I tell them I am so sorry for your loss.  And I leave.
  And God was with Dottie.  The most important part of the story.